Holy Biblical Reference Malfunction

I can't even tell you how many times I have watched this video, y'all. I spent the better part of an evening laughing about this with my husband (because, in reality, we are still middle schoolers at heart). The poor guy's face right after he says what he didn't mean to  say is PRICELESS.

Watch. Laugh. Enjoy.

Happy Friday!

There's Another Mean Girl, And Her Name Is Twitter

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter then you already know that I received a rather alarming suggestion a few days ago. If you don't, then I'll give you a recap. Apparently, Twitter thinks I need to lose weight:

See that first suggestion? When I saw it I almost dropped my doughnut apple. Twitter thinks I need to follow Weight Watchers?! When did you get so judgy, Twitter? Why can't you just "like" me and ask me if I want to be friends with people like Facebook does?

I don't do diets - never have, never will. Don't tell me NOT to eat a certain something, because I inevitably will...a lot of it. I'm a rule breaker, remember? But exercise? Exercise I can do. So I decided to take a spin class because I'm a masochist it seemed like the cool thing to do.

"What'd you do today, Beth?"
"Oh, me? I went to spin class. I spin now. Yep, I'm a spinner."

In all honesty, I did the spin class because I enjoy being yelled at directed when I'm working out, and since I can't justify spending the money on a personal trainer, I found the first class available and went in.

The first thing I noticed was that the class was being led by a woman who, I kid you not, looks like Halle Berry on steroids: she is gorgeous and TOTALLY ripped. Gorgeous + totally ripped = I'll have what she's having. Second, WHO IN THE WORLD designs these bike seats? Could they not just add a little more padding so that we're sitting on an actual seat rather than something that looks like the Batmobile? Think I'm kidding?

My hilarious friend, Angie, suggested that I buy some of those spandex pants with the padded butt that they make specifically for cyclists, and I agree that in theory that that would make my spin experience far less painful. However, it would also make my butt look even bigger! I mean, what would Twitter say?

Despite hobbling out of that first class with Gumby legs, I really enjoyed it and am planning to do it more. Maybe then Twitter will suggest I follow @herehaveatwinkie or @youshouldreallyeatsomething. (I made those up, they are not actual Twitter accounts!)

Happy Weekend, everyone.

*Bike Seat and Batmobile Photos Courtesy of Google Images

I've Been Known To Do This

Remember how last week we had a snow day that turned into a snow week? Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it? Turns out a week of children being off from school turns a mother's brain into complete puppy chow (and speaking of puppies, my dog survived last week, too. Just in case you were thinking of calling Animal Control on me...justifiably). So, imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and realized that it is Tuesday, not Monday. The MLK holiday combined with the snow week completely threw me off.

So. Away we go.

One of my absolute favorite (and hugely popular) Mommybloggers is Heather B. Armstrong over at Dooce.com. You can always count on Heather to be incredibly transparent about her life as a wife and working mother. I respect and admire her most for her posts dealing with her struggle with postpartum depression. However, I ADORE her, because she makes me laugh...almost every day. I will warn you, her language is often colorful and her (liberal) politics are not exactly my own, so if you're sensitive to those elements, proceed with caution. But her post today, "I'd totally be a groupie," is one of my new favorites. It's a must-read for you parents out there.

That's right, Mommy Monday on Tuesday. I'm thinking of making it permanent. Any blogs you've found that you are loving right now? Feel free to share in the comments. I'm always looking for new reading material, you know, since I have SO MUCH time on my hands. ;)

What Women Want

My friend Meg sent me this to me in an email and I thought it was too funny not to share here.

Happy Weekend, everyone. And by all means, have some wine. :)

There Will Be Blood

My husband's car decided to have a tantrum yesterday (as cars so often do - especially cars that are almost paid off), so he took mine to work this morning.

So. I'm without a car today, on this FUN FRIDAY.

Okay, I realize that this is a First World problem (the kind of problem that only people who live in First World countries understand, i.e. broken air conditioning units, broken fake nails, broken computers...you get the idea). The rational part of my brain realizes that I shouldn't be complaining, that I'm sitting here in the air conditioning having just eaten an entire breakfast of eggs, bacon, and pancakes (because it's Fun Friday! I get bacon! Okay, who am I kidding, I eat bacon almost daily. I love bacon - sue me.) while I peruse the Internet while my child is distracted by Curious George.

I get it.

But the irrational side of my brain just registered that I DRANK MY LAST COKE LAST NIGHT. I reached into the box and came up with NOTHING. Do you have any idea what this means? I have no coke. NOOOOO COOOOOOKE. And no car. And a husband who won't be home until two in the morning.

Wait a minute, let me just check something...

I have wine! All is not lost!

Happy Weekend everyone. I will not be posting on Monday, so come back and see me on Wednesday!

Hair and Legos

Hundreds of years from now, when archaeologists are digging around looking for clues about our society, this is the contribution that my family will have made:

There was a dog; two children who ate hydrogenated oil-filled snacks and played with Legos; a mother who shed worse than aforementioned dog. Also note, tech geek husband probable due to video camera apparatus piece discovery - need further assessment.

So, I haven't properly swept or mopped my house since, hmm, I think Bush was still in office. I think it's time. YES, I CAN.

Happy Friday, people. If you don't hear from me next week, it's probably because I was swallowed whole by a giant dust bunny.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

Do you remember the LifeCall commercial from the 80's? The one where the little, old lady has fallen in her bathroom and can't get up? I remember my brother and I rolling on the floor laughing (or ROFL, for my teen readers. What? I can't talk like the cool kids?) watching this commercial when we were kids - oh, and The Clapper, remember that one (yeah, that'll be stuck in your head all day!)?

What's my point, you ask? 

I cleaned my ENTIRE house yesterday. I'm talking closets, corners, beneath bathroom sinks - THE WORKS. My mother would be so proud. I even redecorated a little, meaning I finally got the diaper changing table out of my 3 YEAR OLD'S bedroom. He'll thank me someday. 

But today? Today, I can't get out of my bed. No, I'm serious. I CAN'T MOVE. Why are you laughing? This isn't a joke. I'm glad I keep my computer by my bed, otherwise you WOULD NEVER KNOW! 

I don't believe in karma, but I know that somewhere in heaven that little old lady is pointing directly at me and (between fits of maniacal laughter) is saying, "Who's laughing now whippersnapper?" 

You win, LifeCall lady. You win.

What's Creepier than Creepy?

Did you ever play that game in school? What's Grosser than Gross? Welcome to What's Creepier than Creepy? 

So the hubs and I have been kicking around the idea of expanding our family for a while now. Truth be told, our youngest son (we have two, 5 and 3) has been giving us a run for our money, so the idea of a third child has pretty much been kicked out the door as of late.

However, 'tis still a possibility...someday.

Should I have another child (or children, since I have the ever terrifying, yet realistic possibility of twins in my family), you can rest assured that I will NOT be registering for a set of these:

What's missing in this picture? Oh, that's right: ARMS. Yep, those are DISEMBODIED hands that snuggle your child, so that they can sleep. 

Except, in my sick and twisted mind, they're hands that ARE NOT MY OWN just waiting for me to leave the room so that they can STRANGLE MY BABY. Okay, maybe I watched too many episodes of The Addams Family growing up, but seriously? There's a market for these creepy things?

Happy Friday. I'm off to throw away every pair of gloves in my house.

Just When You Thought It Was A Good Idea...

...to put your doughnuts in the oven, so the kids wouldn't see them and incessantly WHIIIINE for one. I think you all know how this one ends (and if you don't...read here).

IT'S NOT!

Oven: 2     Beth: 0

I know, I cried too. Wait, you weren't crying over the DEVASTATING LOSS of burning doughnuts? Oh. Yeah, I didn't either. 

Now some of you might think, "Well they're only a little melted...you could probably still eat them." Believe me, I tried. Notice the gaping hole on the bottom left where there is only a charred remnant? Yep, that was where I tried to salvage one last precious Boston Creme doughnut to no avail. They were just too burned on the bottom. If you look closely you can see the oven rack outline on the bottom of the box. Impressive, no?

Don't worry, I'll be here all week.

Ye Be Warned

It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day...didn't you get the memo?

We be plunderin' the snack pantry lookin' fer booty!

Drop yer weapon ye scallywag!

Happy Friday!

Just When You Thought It Was A Good Idea...

...to put your dirty dishes in the oven because your company was going to be arriving in about 30 seconds...

...IT'S NOT.

And just in case you're wondering, that's a spaghetti strainer, child's bowl (melted under the strainer), and two sippy cups.

My poor husband decided to make an oven-baked pizza the other night, and when he opened the perfectly preheated oven to put his pizza in, he found the above. I had forgotten to take the aformentioned dirty dishes OUT of the oven and put them IN the dishwasher. Guess I won't make that mistake again...or will I???

My friend, Katie, calls these moments of forgetfulness "momnesia", and I wholeheartedly agree. Some of my finer "momnesia" moments include:

- buckling my child into the carseat and driving to the park, not realizing the car seat was never fastened in with the car seatbelt.

- pouring Coke into my son's sippy cup, instead of the apple juice right next to it (imagine HIS delight!)

- pulling out of my driveway with a very large drink on top of my car (we all know how that one ends)

- putting my son into a pull-up diaper thinking it was a swimmy diaper, and watching it grow and swell, wondering all the while why on EARTH it would be doing that?

What are your momnesia moments???

*Update: I actually just found this article through an email, and thought I'd share it since it pertains so nicely to this conversation.